I'm in college.
In fact, my first semester of first year is already over. Next week my exams start. (Yes, it all makes sense now why I'm back blogging again - procrastination!)
This semester has gone by so quickly and I don't feel as though I've done enough. I don't think I've socialised enough, studied enough, got involved enough, tried enough, talked enough, eaten enough, learned enough thought enough. There hasn't been the time for it all.
I've dreamed of going away to college all my life. As a child it was the only thing I wanted, my greatest aspiration - it epitomised growth, confidence and knowledge. As I got older I was terrified of the idea. I was certain I was going to fail. Fail at being an adult, at making new friends, at my course - everything! I still wanted it but now I was harrowed by doubt and anxiety.
And today here I am. How was my first semester? Quick. Frightening. Exciting. Freeing.
I'm trying to hang on to that last word. Freeing. I have more freedom than I have ever known these days and with that, responsibility. It's difficult coming to terms with it all in such a short time.
I don't know I've spoken about the three step rule to liking things before on this blog, chances are yes. Anyway the way it plays out,normally with people but apparently also with things, is that first I love-them-with-all-the-intensity-of a-thousand-suns, then I become dillilusioned once I realise they aren't perfect and then finally I accept and love them for who/what they are. Without exception this has happened to me with every close friend I've had. Now it's happening with college.
When I arrived here I was terrified but soon my fears were put to rest because everyone was in the same boat and everyone was kind and helpful and friendly. I began to get comfortable, I made excessive (for me) efforts to talk and connect with people. I joined societies and committees and everything was going well.
Then I started to encounter the not so fun sides. The fuckboys, the two-faced gossipers, I realised I still hadn't made any genuine friends despite having plenty of people who I talk to on a regular basis. It's study week and I'm still procratinating as ever. We don't seem to leaning anything in suffiecient detail, everything is just brief and vague.
So University isn't perfect. When I'm alone I'm worried I spend too much time by myself and when I'm socialising I'm worried I'm not spending enough time by myself. Life is tricky and complicated and I don't really know what I want out of it. But this is college. This is what I've spent years waiting for. At the very least, I'm glad to have moved away from home.
