I never quite understood the mechanics of a romantic relationship. Why was it so different to a friendship? Why was it so difficult to have a clean breakup? Why, even with a clean breakup, is it difficult for the people involved to completely move on?
I put these unanswered questions, and more, down to my own ignorance and lack of experience. I have always feigned empathy in situations that required it because I had literally know comprehension of the complex affairs of the heart.
For the past two months, or there abouts, I have had a boyfriend. He's strange. Our relationship is strange. Sometimes I'm not even sure it's exactly healthy but I think everyone has moments like that. Provided the good vastly out weighs the bad, you're probably fine. The thing with us is that I'm never quite sure where I stand. That's a strong statement to make but please don't be alarmed. Here me out.
He's a seventeen year old boy and I'm a seventeen year old girl. I like to think I'm quite mature for my age and my mother likes to back me up on that, though I can never tell if it's just empty flattery on her behalf. In anyone's opinion I think he would be considered immature. That's not meant as an insult, just a fact. And though this is my personal blog I don't feel comfortable going into details about him here, for his own privacy.
I'm not the kind of person who has dreamed about falling in love or even having my first kiss or sex for the first time. Of course I went through a phase where I thought the one thing that would prove my worth would be to secure a boyfriend. After all, what girl has not been taught that the ultimate goal for her is to make a man want her? But excessive reading and becoming aware of feminism has long ago helped me come to the realisation that I don't need anyone else to tell me I'm important. I will only ever be as important as I believe I am.
I suppose you could say I've had a fairly negative opinion of relationships for several years now. When I say negative - that's really far too strong a word to use. What I mean is that I saw dating as something other people did, something I might/probably would want to do at some point in the future but right there and then, I did not. I didn't desire a boyfriend or a girlfriend or any kind of romantic or sexual partner (save for those occasional moments of loneliness or, let's face it, just pure lust).
I also had this impression that being in an exclusive relationship somehow meant missing out on the finer parts of life. What these 'finer parts' were I have no idea however I'm pretty sure I've been missing out on them long before I had a boyfriend.
Then of course comes my general aversion to monogamy. I'm learning however that polygamy and/or an open relationship and the likes, involves more than simply deciding "I'm cool with seeing other people while my boyfriend sees other people." I'd like to think I'm capable of trusting someone and feeling comfortable enough with myself to be in that kind of relationship but I can also acknowledge that it's not for everybody. Emotions and self-esteem get in the way. Things can get messy very quickly if everyone involved doesn't know exactly where they stand.
So back to my current relationship. I'm of the belief that for a relationship to work consistent communication is required between all partners. It's difficult to make someone talk when they don't want to. It's also difficult to uphold a relationship when your partner gets defensive any time you try to have a real conversation with them. I'm not completely guiltless, I'm well aware of that too. But when someone is so sensitive and insecure it becomes challenging to say anything without fear of offending him - well that's not a great situation. I know, I'm making it sound pretty bad. Sometimes it is quite bad. But is it bad that I don't actually care?
In the past couple of weeks our communication has reduced even more due to my own lack of motivation. I don't see why I should constantly have to be the one forcing him to open up. So I've stopped trying. I no longer care. I'm not sure if I don't care about the relationship or about him or simply about his lack of forwardness. This confusion has led me to consider whether it would simply be better to finish it now. If he doesn't seem to care enough to talk and neither do I, then what are we even doing?
On the other hand however, I think this is possibly the most low-maintenance relationship I'll ever be in. I always said I'd love a relationship where we didn't feel the need to talk every day. One that wasn't so intense that I distracted me from my other life goals. Now that I'm in a relationship that is almost exactly that, I'm just not sure I like it. At the same time, I'm not ready to give up on it yet. This was my idea of the perfect relationship. Maybe it's not quite how I expected it but I need to at least give it a chance. Relationships are weird. I've always known that. Now I've finally realised that I was in fact, not so ignorant after all.
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