A Year in Review: 2013

Let's see how bad I will feel about myself when I've finished this post, eh?

Last year I made 10 resolutions. It was the first time I'd made a serious commitment to reforming myself so I was a bit optimistic, as I always seem to be. Let me list my failures for you.

1. Tidy my room: Yeah my room is still messy like most of the time. I think I really need to throw out a lot of stuff this year and live a minimalistic life.
2. Write every day: So this went relatively well until I decided I wasn't gaining anything from writing and I wasn't producing anything I was happy with. So I stopped bothering about half way through the year. As have mentioned in a previous post I regret doing this.
3. Write a novel: Ha. Haha. HAHAHAHAHAAHHAAAAHAHAHAHHHHAHAAHUHUHUHUH.
4. Read 50 books: Um. This one I tried really hard at. Until I lost track completely. I wasn't keeping to my deadlines though anyway so I don't think I would have succeeded. I read excruciatingly slowly.
5. Learn the piano and ukulele: Oh god. I did play the piano a lot more this year, not to say that I've improved very much. I can play a sizeable amount of Hans Zimmer's Time, the BBC Sherlock theme tune, silent night, the right hand of jingle bells and Fur Elise though. So I didn't completely fail that one. The uke though. I haven't touched it.
6. Organise my blog: I never quite figured out what I wanted to do with my blog but that's okay. I made this new blog over the summer and I blogged for a whole month in August every day. I think I actually passed this one!
7. Be nicer: I think I have definitely made a conscious effort to be more friendly to people this year. Like not a big effort because you know as a rule I don't try my best. But I really hope I can continue to make a small effort to talk to people and be nice.
8. Motivate myself: It always seems to come at this time of the year when I feel most motivated. I realise that I really ought to be trying hard to get somewhere in life. The problem is I become dispirited so quickly. I get lazy and I lose my motivation, my will to try. Wise words simply can muster the strength within me to work and I don't know what I can do to change that.
9. Exercise: I certainly exercised more this year than I have in so long but not every day as I planned. The first half of the year I had activities twice a week at least in school so that helped keep me trying but this year I do choir instead and we don't even have PE class. However my dad very recently bought an exercise bike so hopefully that will make exercising more convenient for me and I plan to set up a regular exercise schedule.
10. Make friends: So I went to Irish college during the summer and met loads of great people. I still in contact with quite a few of them. I've spread my friendship in school too and talked to people I never thought I could get along with. As a result I feel more a part of my year which is really nice. I also broadened my internet friendships this year which is great too. I've stayed touch with people I've met through tumblr and nerdfighteria and it's nice in a weird way to kind of vent to people who know very little about you but understand what you're going through. So success.

In summary, I sorted out my blog which resulted in me becoming a nicer person and making friends.

Hey Again.

It's Christmas Day and I'm trying to finish writing this as I started it a few days ago.
I sometimes wonder what I'd be like if I was pretty. If I exercised a lot and lost weight and my legs toned out and my skin cleared up I wonder how I would feel about myself. I'm not confident in my appearance but also I'm not very insecure about it. I mean I don't expect that anyone finds me attractive or ever will the way I currently look but I'm okay with how I look. I'd rate my appearance a 6/10 and my insecurity over my appearance, maybe 4/10. I'd like to be prettier obviously but I'm not quite sure why anymore.

You see, most of my insecurities lie in things beneath my physical appearance. They lie in things like how worthy I am of people's friendships, how the fuck I'm capable of surviving in this world and how I seem completely incapable of trying my best at anything. I know that if I were able to eliminate or even improve on these flaw I'd feel so much better about myself and more confident in my existence. But I don't know whether anything would change at all if I were beautiful on the outside.

Next year. 2014. I want something to change. I want to understand myself and fucking take control of my life. Merry Christmas everyone and I hope you have a successful 2014.

Life Happens

Life is great. I'm on top of my school work, my Christmas exams are over, my mother's trying to control my life but that's just a phase she goes through - it'll pass. My social anxiety (for lack of a better term) is better than it has ever been, which isn't much by normal standards but it's the most freeing thing I've ever experienced.

So why am I so sad? I haven't got any specific reason for feeling this way and it makes me think that I don't have the right to feel unhappy right now. Like my minor worries aren't important enough in the grand scale of the world. I know you oughtn't to judge yourself compared to others and that every problem is uniquely dealt with but preaching and practising are so very far from each other.

I always have the feeling that I'm not doing anything worthwhile with my life. It's a boredom and a fear and it's a terrible, terrible flaw.
At the beginning of this year one of my resolutions was to write every day and though I was doing quite well keeping to this I decided about half way through the year that I didn't want to be writing anymore. I regret this decision for many reasons not only because writing allows me to examine my thoughts and understand myself better but also because I have recently rediscovered my love of writing. And I mean writing as a noun not a verb. I love the flow of word to word across a page, the scrawl of a familiar handwriting, I love simple wordplay that creates such beautiful humour. I just love writing, man. It's the most awe inspiring art that will ever pass through my mind. I miss it too and though I wish I was actually good at it I still enjoy scribbling rubbish onto a sheet.

I don't have a point to this post except to update my blog because it has been far too long. Hopefully that won't happen again.