Hey Again.

It's Christmas Day and I'm trying to finish writing this as I started it a few days ago.
I sometimes wonder what I'd be like if I was pretty. If I exercised a lot and lost weight and my legs toned out and my skin cleared up I wonder how I would feel about myself. I'm not confident in my appearance but also I'm not very insecure about it. I mean I don't expect that anyone finds me attractive or ever will the way I currently look but I'm okay with how I look. I'd rate my appearance a 6/10 and my insecurity over my appearance, maybe 4/10. I'd like to be prettier obviously but I'm not quite sure why anymore.

You see, most of my insecurities lie in things beneath my physical appearance. They lie in things like how worthy I am of people's friendships, how the fuck I'm capable of surviving in this world and how I seem completely incapable of trying my best at anything. I know that if I were able to eliminate or even improve on these flaw I'd feel so much better about myself and more confident in my existence. But I don't know whether anything would change at all if I were beautiful on the outside.

Next year. 2014. I want something to change. I want to understand myself and fucking take control of my life. Merry Christmas everyone and I hope you have a successful 2014.