Thursday 3 December 2015
College or some'm
In fact, my first semester of first year is already over. Next week my exams start. (Yes, it all makes sense now why I'm back blogging again - procrastination!)
This semester has gone by so quickly and I don't feel as though I've done enough. I don't think I've socialised enough, studied enough, got involved enough, tried enough, talked enough, eaten enough, learned enough thought enough. There hasn't been the time for it all.
I've dreamed of going away to college all my life. As a child it was the only thing I wanted, my greatest aspiration - it epitomised growth, confidence and knowledge. As I got older I was terrified of the idea. I was certain I was going to fail. Fail at being an adult, at making new friends, at my course - everything! I still wanted it but now I was harrowed by doubt and anxiety.
And today here I am. How was my first semester? Quick. Frightening. Exciting. Freeing.
I'm trying to hang on to that last word. Freeing. I have more freedom than I have ever known these days and with that, responsibility. It's difficult coming to terms with it all in such a short time.
I don't know I've spoken about the three step rule to liking things before on this blog, chances are yes. Anyway the way it plays out,normally with people but apparently also with things, is that first I love-them-with-all-the-intensity-of a-thousand-suns, then I become dillilusioned once I realise they aren't perfect and then finally I accept and love them for who/what they are. Without exception this has happened to me with every close friend I've had. Now it's happening with college.
When I arrived here I was terrified but soon my fears were put to rest because everyone was in the same boat and everyone was kind and helpful and friendly. I began to get comfortable, I made excessive (for me) efforts to talk and connect with people. I joined societies and committees and everything was going well.
Then I started to encounter the not so fun sides. The fuckboys, the two-faced gossipers, I realised I still hadn't made any genuine friends despite having plenty of people who I talk to on a regular basis. It's study week and I'm still procratinating as ever. We don't seem to leaning anything in suffiecient detail, everything is just brief and vague.
So University isn't perfect. When I'm alone I'm worried I spend too much time by myself and when I'm socialising I'm worried I'm not spending enough time by myself. Life is tricky and complicated and I don't really know what I want out of it. But this is college. This is what I've spent years waiting for. At the very least, I'm glad to have moved away from home.
Friday 1 May 2015
Friday
Summer is coming soon. That's a double edged sword. On the one hand I can't wait for school to end. On the other hand it means exams that dictate the rest of my life, and the beginning of the end of my future. If anyone has any suggestions for what I should do with my life please comment below.
I'm tired. Tired of a lot of things. I'm tired of not knowing myself and not knowing what I need. I'm tired of being so impatient that I give up on anything that doesn't produce immediate results. I'm just so tired.
I won't blog again for several weeks, maybe months. You didn't need me to say that, you already knew.
Thursday 29 January 2015
Hashtag Boyfriend
Friday 23 January 2015
A Challenging Ignorance
I put these unanswered questions, and more, down to my own ignorance and lack of experience. I have always feigned empathy in situations that required it because I had literally know comprehension of the complex affairs of the heart.
For the past two months, or there abouts, I have had a boyfriend. He's strange. Our relationship is strange. Sometimes I'm not even sure it's exactly healthy but I think everyone has moments like that. Provided the good vastly out weighs the bad, you're probably fine. The thing with us is that I'm never quite sure where I stand. That's a strong statement to make but please don't be alarmed. Here me out.
He's a seventeen year old boy and I'm a seventeen year old girl. I like to think I'm quite mature for my age and my mother likes to back me up on that, though I can never tell if it's just empty flattery on her behalf. In anyone's opinion I think he would be considered immature. That's not meant as an insult, just a fact. And though this is my personal blog I don't feel comfortable going into details about him here, for his own privacy.
I'm not the kind of person who has dreamed about falling in love or even having my first kiss or sex for the first time. Of course I went through a phase where I thought the one thing that would prove my worth would be to secure a boyfriend. After all, what girl has not been taught that the ultimate goal for her is to make a man want her? But excessive reading and becoming aware of feminism has long ago helped me come to the realisation that I don't need anyone else to tell me I'm important. I will only ever be as important as I believe I am.
I suppose you could say I've had a fairly negative opinion of relationships for several years now. When I say negative - that's really far too strong a word to use. What I mean is that I saw dating as something other people did, something I might/probably would want to do at some point in the future but right there and then, I did not. I didn't desire a boyfriend or a girlfriend or any kind of romantic or sexual partner (save for those occasional moments of loneliness or, let's face it, just pure lust).
I also had this impression that being in an exclusive relationship somehow meant missing out on the finer parts of life. What these 'finer parts' were I have no idea however I'm pretty sure I've been missing out on them long before I had a boyfriend.
Then of course comes my general aversion to monogamy. I'm learning however that polygamy and/or an open relationship and the likes, involves more than simply deciding "I'm cool with seeing other people while my boyfriend sees other people." I'd like to think I'm capable of trusting someone and feeling comfortable enough with myself to be in that kind of relationship but I can also acknowledge that it's not for everybody. Emotions and self-esteem get in the way. Things can get messy very quickly if everyone involved doesn't know exactly where they stand.
So back to my current relationship. I'm of the belief that for a relationship to work consistent communication is required between all partners. It's difficult to make someone talk when they don't want to. It's also difficult to uphold a relationship when your partner gets defensive any time you try to have a real conversation with them. I'm not completely guiltless, I'm well aware of that too. But when someone is so sensitive and insecure it becomes challenging to say anything without fear of offending him - well that's not a great situation. I know, I'm making it sound pretty bad. Sometimes it is quite bad. But is it bad that I don't actually care?
In the past couple of weeks our communication has reduced even more due to my own lack of motivation. I don't see why I should constantly have to be the one forcing him to open up. So I've stopped trying. I no longer care. I'm not sure if I don't care about the relationship or about him or simply about his lack of forwardness. This confusion has led me to consider whether it would simply be better to finish it now. If he doesn't seem to care enough to talk and neither do I, then what are we even doing?
On the other hand however, I think this is possibly the most low-maintenance relationship I'll ever be in. I always said I'd love a relationship where we didn't feel the need to talk every day. One that wasn't so intense that I distracted me from my other life goals. Now that I'm in a relationship that is almost exactly that, I'm just not sure I like it. At the same time, I'm not ready to give up on it yet. This was my idea of the perfect relationship. Maybe it's not quite how I expected it but I need to at least give it a chance. Relationships are weird. I've always known that. Now I've finally realised that I was in fact, not so ignorant after all.
Tuesday 30 December 2014
2015. Bring it.
"You, me, four o' clock, behind the school shed!"
I don't know what I should do, to be honest. I hate studying so much. I can't concentrate during the holidays which is when I should be catching up on all the work I didn't have time for last term. I know I'm intelligent but that's simply not enough to pass the exams. It also requires consistent work and repetition and revision. I just don't want to. But this is the last year. After this I'm free to get a job in a shitty bar for crap money that I waste on alcohol. Every artist's dream, right? If I could just work for the next six months I'll be free to ruin my life rather than just waste it like I'm currently doing.
So. 2015. Bring it on.
Sunday 28 December 2014
New ME?
I don't stick with my New Years Resolutions. That is something I'm pretty resolute about. I don't expect it to change. Long term goals aren't my thing. That's why I blog. I start writing a post with zero plan of what it's going to be about, I edit it immediately after and I post it. Done.
Yet, I have nineteen drafts on my blogger account. Many of theses draft posts are finished but they're very personal and I'm not ready to post them yet. More of them need only a little editing to get them to the publishing front. Still, I haven't gotten around to it.
I'm not good at blogging. I don't mean the writing part, I'm fairly decent at that if you like painfully cheesy writing. And I've definitely got the blogger attitude on point with the whole game of starting every other post with an apology for WHY I HAVEN'T BLOGGED IN SOOO LONG.
The only thing I'm missing is actually blogging. Or having an actual schedule. And I can whine and moan as much as I like about the Leaving Cert and school taking up my time but come on. Grow up. There will always be something that takes from your time, if you let it. Even in the summer - even now, during the Christmas holidays - I could be daily blogging, I have the time. But I'm just not.
So 2015? I don't know what it's going to bring. I'd love to blog daily but who sees that happening? I'd love to blog weekly but that never seems to work out. More than anything I'd love to write posts that mean something. Posts that are important to me, rather than just this kind of filler. But come on. Grow up.
x
Tuesday 23 December 2014
I don't even know what months are anymore
I don't actually know why I bother anymore.
Saturday 15 November 2014
Oh yeah this thing
I wrote this after returning from a choir competition in November. So don't judge me, I had great intentions for this blog but as usual...yeah.
*Acts like she didn't leave for ages again*
Welcome back to my weekly blog where I post weekly. Every week.
I don't have a topic to talk about today. There are things that have been happening that I will write about soon. But at the moment I'm tired and I'm typing this on my phone.
Two days ago, Thursday I went to Sligo with the school choir to take part in the International Sligo Choral Festival. (I'm not sure why it's called international - there are only ever Irish choirs there.)
This is literally going to be a post telling the bones of what happened and nothing more. I'm too tired to be interesting.
We won the religious competition with Lift thine Eyes and Gaudete.
The second competition was the one we really cared about though. The Dancing Song is easily the most difficult song our choir has ever done and The Irish Blessing was pretty challenging too. Because TDS is unaccompanied there is the risk that we'll go out of tune.
We didn't go out of tune though. We sounded incredible, it was one of our best performances we've ever done with it. And the Irish Blessing was so beautiful.
We all know we deserved to win. Our songs were more difficult, more energetic and downright amazing. And yes I sound completely arrogant but I won't apologise for it. The winning choir were lovely and I understand that the judges wanted to award someone else. I probably would too if I were in their situation. We've won both competitions for the past two years. It was time someone else broke our monopoly.
I do feel somewhat cheated though. We should be judged on quality of the performance. One of the judges later told our teacher the Alto section sounded like 'liquid gold.' In the comments after both performances the judges said we sounded like a 'university choir' we had such maturity to our sound.
I'm really just documenting this for future reference. I no longer mind that we didn't win. We had so much fun learning and performing the pieces that the trophy seems irrelevant now. Of course our choral instructor will never believe that.
Friday 24 October 2014
Is this Life?
My name is Kate. I'm seventeen years old and I live in Ireland. I'm still in formal Secondary school education but after this year I will finally be free. Here in Ireland we take a minimum of six subjects - most schools insist on seven - for the final two years of school before completing one exam on each of them, from which our overall grade from the six years we spent in school is calculated. As my Irish teacher is fond of telling us "Braitheann gach rud ar lá amaháin, i seachtain amháin i saol an dalta." Everything is hinged on one day, in one week in the life of a student. You might think this would lead to an immensely unhealthy amount of stress in people my age. You'd be abso-fucking-lutely right.
Another point on our schools: A lot of the teachers give students hand written notes or photocopied sheets for every topic studied which we keep in a folder or hard-back copy. Some of my classes don't use books at all - everything is in my teacher's own words. I'm not going to get into the pro and cons of this as a teaching method because personally I haven't too much of a problem with it. What I have a problem with is how we are told to study entirely from one set of notes. We are completely dependent on these notes for all of our study material and that makes me anxious. Spectacularly anxious.
That brings me to the reason I'm having a particularly bad two days. Because of the number of classes and the appalling amount of books and folders every student has each year has a communal locker in which we keep our folders which are too big to fit in our personal lockers. That is where I keep my biology notes folder in which every topic I've studied from the beginning of sixth year until now is hand written in the most concise notes any teacher has ever given me. (My biology teacher is incredible just fyi.) Last Wednesday I left my folder in the locker rather than bringing it home as I usually do. I did this 1. because I had so much other homework that I knew I wouldn't have time to study it that night and 2. I was exhausted and I just wanted to get an early night and do as little as possible. The next day was Thursday and first thing that morning I went to the folder locker to retrieve my biology notes. You can probably see where this is going. My folder was gone and no matter how many times I checked under and behind the other contents of the locker I couldn't find it.
I didn't immediately stress out. I'll admit I was a little worried but I thought maybe it's at home? I was only about 95% sure I'd left it in school the previous day. Still, I looked around the general locker area and found nothing. Thursday evening I went home and wasn't at all surprised to find that my folder was not in my room where I normally study. That night - last night - I wrote a Facebook post asking if anyone had seen it around the school. I think the comments let you know exactly how important these notes are to students. Here are some from people who are even my close friends offering help and sympathy.
I know you're probably thinking that we're just being melodramatic teenagers exaggerating every little hiccup that happens in our life. I was honestly close to tears today looking for the folder again in school. Yet another note on my school: we don't have a lost and found system. We've never had an effective one in all the years I've been in that institute but today I went to the caretaker to ask if there was any system of collecting lost items and he told me there was nothing. If you lose something you look for it and if it doesn't turn up, too bad. I walked all over the school three times today searching for it everywhere and I had friends helping and it's just not anywhere. I don't want to think that someone has taken it intentionally but there is literally no alternative at this point. I was hoping it would turn up but after two days I don't know what else to do.
I'd be the first to admit that I'm not the most organised person in the world. But i'm also not a careless person. I've never lost a book or even a copy in the six years I've spent in secondary school and now someone has taken the most valuable study notes I own. Life is fucking awesome.
I know my stress levels are increased because I'm exhausted and other stuff is happening and that's why I'm so upset over this. Wow I just wrote an entire post on my biology folder didn't I? Yeah sorry about that. Actually I'm not. I'm not even going to read back over this. #YOLO
Monday 6 October 2014
Let's Never Break Up
So, What's new?
Alex Day is being a douchebag on the internet again. Hopefully I'll actually follow that sentence up with some context in a full blog post when I find the time. At the moment it's the middle of a school night and I still have a ton of homework to complete.
I'm in my final year of Secondary school and I hate everything and everyone. It therefore seems to make sense that I would return to the internet to vent my 3M0T!ONZ.
On the bright side: It's finally acting like autumn! October is upon us, officially my favourite month. We've got Halloween to look forward to, dark evenings, hot chocolate and marshmallows, winds howling half the night - what's not to love? I get that I might sound sarcastic but I truly love this time of year. I'd take a freezing bed over a sweaty summer afternoon any day.
I'm going to make you a promise right here and now. Please try to forget about the previous promises I made to you, I'm going to try really hard at this one. I'm going to blog once a week.
Are you still there? Don't freak out it's going to be okay I swear. I have a second blog which I'm sure I linked to in a previous post. Once a week I will post here or there and nowhere else. I'm going to make this work.
I feel like I'm not a person anymore, I'm just a skin-sack full of stress and procrastination and more stress. One of these days I'll go into detail about how you definitely should not do school. I've practically an expert.
Remember how a while ago I was going to stop procrastinating? You didn't really believe that would work, did you?
Other new, other news...Oh I'm entering a poetry reciting competition next week. Yep. Why you ask is a socially anxious glossophobe entering a competition that involves speaking in front of a large group of people? Because I can muddafucker. Because I persist in trying to prove to myself that I can and will not be held back by my emotional limitations. And because I get to miss a day of school to go to a boys' college. Bite me.
This was fun. I miss writing silly things on the internet that may potentially convince employers not to hire me. I live life to the fullest, I know.
So I guess I should now go do that homework that was due in today. Wow. I just love my freaking life.