A Challenging Ignorance

I never quite understood the mechanics of a romantic relationship. Why was it so different to a friendship? Why was it so difficult to have a clean breakup? Why, even with a clean breakup, is it difficult for the people involved to completely move on?

I put these unanswered questions, and more, down to my own ignorance and lack of experience. I have always feigned empathy in situations that required it because I had literally know comprehension of the complex affairs of the heart.

For the past two months, or there abouts, I have had a boyfriend. He's strange. Our relationship is strange. Sometimes I'm not even sure it's exactly healthy but I think everyone has moments like that. Provided the good vastly out weighs the bad, you're probably fine. The thing with us is that I'm never quite sure where I stand. That's a strong statement to make but please don't be alarmed. Here me out.

He's a seventeen year old boy and I'm a seventeen year old girl. I like to think I'm quite mature for my age and my mother likes to back me up on that, though I can never tell if it's just empty flattery on her behalf. In anyone's opinion I think he would be considered immature. That's not meant as an insult, just a fact. And though this is my personal blog I don't feel comfortable going into details about him here, for his own privacy.

I'm not the kind of person who has dreamed about falling in love or even having my first kiss or sex for the first time. Of course I went through a phase where I thought the one thing that would prove my worth would be to secure a boyfriend. After all, what girl has not been taught that the ultimate goal for her is to make a man want her? But excessive reading and becoming aware of feminism has long ago helped me come to the realisation that I don't need anyone else to tell me I'm important. I will only ever be as important as I believe I am.

I suppose you could say I've had a fairly negative opinion of relationships for several years now. When I say negative - that's really far too strong a word to use. What I mean is that I saw dating as something other people did, something I might/probably would want to do at some point in the future but right there and then, I did not. I didn't desire a boyfriend or a girlfriend or any kind of romantic or sexual partner (save for those occasional moments of loneliness or, let's face it, just pure lust).

I also had this impression that being in an exclusive relationship somehow meant missing out on the finer parts of life. What these 'finer parts' were I have no idea however I'm pretty sure I've been missing out on them long before I had a boyfriend.
Then of course comes my general aversion to monogamy. I'm learning however that polygamy and/or an open relationship and the likes, involves more than simply deciding "I'm cool with seeing other people while my boyfriend sees other people." I'd like to think I'm capable of trusting someone and feeling comfortable enough with myself to be in that kind of relationship but I can also acknowledge that it's not for everybody. Emotions and self-esteem get in the way. Things can get messy very quickly if everyone involved doesn't know exactly where they stand.

So back to my current relationship. I'm of the belief that for a relationship to work consistent communication is required between all partners. It's difficult to make someone talk when they don't want to. It's also difficult to uphold a relationship when your partner gets defensive any time you try to have a real conversation with them. I'm not completely guiltless, I'm well aware of that too. But when someone is so sensitive and insecure it becomes challenging to say anything without fear of offending him - well that's not a great situation. I know, I'm making it sound pretty bad. Sometimes it is quite bad. But is it bad that I don't actually care?

In the past couple of weeks our communication has reduced even more due to my own lack of motivation. I don't see why I should constantly have to be the one forcing him to open up. So I've stopped trying. I no longer care. I'm not sure if I don't care about the relationship or about him or simply about his lack of forwardness. This confusion has led me to consider whether it would simply be better to finish it now. If he doesn't seem to care enough to talk and neither do I, then what are we even doing?

On the other hand however, I think this is possibly the most low-maintenance relationship I'll ever be in. I always said I'd love a relationship where we didn't feel the need to talk every day. One that wasn't so intense that I distracted me from my other life goals. Now that I'm in a relationship that is almost exactly that, I'm just not sure I like it. At the same time, I'm not ready to give up on it yet. This was my idea of the perfect relationship. Maybe it's not quite how I expected it but I need to at least give it a chance. Relationships are weird. I've always known that. Now I've finally realised that I was in fact, not so ignorant after all.

2015. Bring it.

"You, me, four o' clock, behind the school shed!"

I normally feel incredibly optimistic at the beginning of a new year. Be it September when school starts back or the end of December at the prospect of a clean slate, I feel so prepared and confident that this year I will in fact be successful.

I don't know if I've finally matured enough to see that things too often don't change but this year has been different. In September I didn't have my typical study plan drawn up. I didn't even have plans to work harder. All I had was determination. Because I had survived fifth year. I had gotten through the most painstakingly difficult academic year of my life and now I was on the home stretch. All that was left was to survive another ten months and I was free. I will be free. Done with school, done with parents, done with childhood, finally.

I know that no one ever admits they felt like a child but sometime shortly after turning seventeen I truly believe I left that stage of my life behind. I can't say what changed except my mindset. The world felt different, like I had suddenly removed a glass screen from between us. I was more sure of what life meant to me and what really mattered.

I haven't quite decided if I'll make New Years Resolutions for 2015. Probably not. I mean what's the point? After January I completely ignore them. That's not to say I won't have any aims for the coming year but I think life as it is is enough of a challenge at the moment. I don't need to pressure myself to fulfill my dreams, at least for the first half of this year. Maybe when my exams have finished and all my hope has been taken away from me I'll start thinking about a plan B for when I don't get into college.

I don't know what I should do, to be honest. I hate studying so much. I can't concentrate during the holidays which is when I should be catching up on all the work I didn't have time for last term. I know I'm intelligent but that's simply not enough to pass the exams. It also requires consistent work and repetition and revision. I just don't want to. But this is the last year. After this I'm free to get a job in a shitty bar for crap money that I waste on alcohol. Every artist's dream, right? If I could just work for the next six months I'll be free to ruin my life rather than just waste it like I'm currently doing.
So. 2015. Bring it on.

I don't even know what months are anymore

December 23. Where the fuck did the time go.

I haven't been blogging as much as I wish. To make up for that I'm going to blog daily for the rest of this week. It's Christmas after all, the time for giving.

I feel really guilty because I haven't been writing at all lately. I don't count the diary I've been keeping since July because it's literally just a stream of thoughts and I don't even remember writing half of it when I read back over. I've been neglecting everything in my life lately. My ambitions, my future, my school work, my relationships, even my favourite TV shows are being put aside. I can't say what I'm even doing instead. I'm spending too much time inside my own head and yet I don't feel like I'm spending enough time there.

As an introvert I need alone time. I need to think things over and evaluate situations and feelings and if I don't get to do that I start to unravel. Lately all I've had time for is school, homework, talking to my boyfriend and sleep. I haven't written in my diary in about two weeks. I haven't opened the blinds in my room in over a month. On top of that I haven't kept up this blog.

I've mentioned before how important A Hitcher's Goof Hunt is to my mental processing and overall peace of mind. I just never seem to make time for it. It's also an outlet for me to document my life, practice my writing and do something productive while simultaneously procrastinating. What more can you ask for?

The year is almost at an end and you know what that means. New year's resolutions that I will never keep! Yeaaayy!
I don't actually know why I bother anymore.

Let's Never Break Up

I miss this blog. I miss pouring my heart out to my virtually non-existent reader base. I miss recording my mundane life story. I'm also going absolutely insane without you. Let's never break up.

So, What's new?

Alex Day is being a douchebag on the internet again. Hopefully I'll actually follow that sentence up with some context in a full blog post when I find the time. At the moment it's the middle of a school night and I still have a ton of homework to complete.

I'm in my final year of Secondary school and I hate everything and everyone. It therefore seems to make sense that I would return to the internet to vent my 3M0T!ONZ.

On the bright side: It's finally acting like autumn! October is upon us, officially my favourite month. We've got Halloween to look forward to, dark evenings, hot chocolate and marshmallows, winds howling half the night - what's not to love? I get that I might sound sarcastic but I truly love this time of year. I'd take a freezing bed over a sweaty summer afternoon any day.

I'm going to make you a promise right here and now. Please try to forget about the previous promises I made to you, I'm going to try really hard at this one. I'm going to blog once a week.

Are you still there? Don't freak out it's going to be okay I swear. I have a second blog which I'm sure I linked to in a previous post. Once a week I will post here or there and nowhere else. I'm going to make this work.

I feel like I'm not a person anymore, I'm just a skin-sack full of stress and procrastination and more stress. One of these days I'll go into detail about how you definitely should not do school. I've practically an expert.

Remember how a while ago I was going to stop procrastinating? You didn't really believe that would work, did you?

Other new, other news...Oh I'm entering a poetry reciting competition next week. Yep. Why you ask is a socially anxious glossophobe entering a competition that involves speaking in front of a large group of people? Because I can muddafucker. Because I persist in trying to prove to myself that I can and will not be held back by my emotional limitations. And because I get to miss a day of school to go to a boys' college. Bite me.

This was fun. I miss writing silly things on the internet that may potentially convince employers not to hire me. I live life to the fullest, I know.

So I guess I should now go do that homework that was due in today. Wow. I just love my freaking life.

An Arctic Monkeys' Concert and Other Firsts

Yesterday, the 12 of July marked a lot of firsts for me. Many of them my seem incidental but trust me they are very important. Let's go through some of them.

First Concert
After many struggles and arguments - see here for details - my parents finally allowed me to go to an Arctic Monkeys concert. I have never exactly understood the huge appeal of concerts - I mean you're lost in a crowd of smelly strangers with a limited view of the stage and the act with everyone screaming and singing out of tune right next to your ear. Doesn't sound fantastic. But it was. It was so fantastic. It's a really freeing and exciting feeling to be surrounded by thousands and thousands of people who feel at least as passionately about the music they're listening to as you do. I don't remember the last time I felt so alive, so liberated.

First time to be chatted up by an older guy
Before the concert began my friends and I were sitting on a grassy area talking and waiting. This group of guys were sitting next to us and one of them turns to me and asks what my favourite Arctic Monkey's songs is. In my surprise I stupidly say the first thing that comes into my head which doesn't happen to be a song at all. 'Do you wanna know' is definitely not an Arctic Monkeys' song. What I'd meant was 'Do I wanna know' and I might of gotten away with it but unfortunately he noticed. Not to mention that is definitely not my favourite song. These guys looked about twenty-two and when I was asked what age I was I hesitated for a moment, considered lying and then decided it was unlikely to achieve any desirable end so I went with the truth - seventeen. I then returned the question and he also hesitated, probably the same thoughts going through his head as had just passed through mine. Except he apparently came to a different conclusion and replied, eighteen. Pfft. Yeah right. We talked for a bit about the band and the other acts and then moved on.

First Mosh-Pit
Myself and my friends were pretty near to the front of the crowd when we suddenly found ourselves in a mosh-pit. It just started, out of nowhere and we were just like - this is not where we want to be. If we hadn't made our way out of it we would have been shoved out of it pretty soon anyway.

First UFO
I'm aware that flying bottles and rubbish are a common thing at concerts. What I was not expecting was a heavy, pink schoolbag to fall though the air, hitting my friend on the head. It had barely landed when someone caught it up again and chucked it away, back into the crowd. I mean, whatever you're into right?

First time to remove an unwanted arm from a shoulder
By the time the main act came on we were tired of being sandwiched between people, grinded on and pushed back and forth so we moved to the outer side of the crowd and watched much more comfortably from there. My friend Danielle and I were minding our own business and enjoying the band and then a guy about our age glanced back at Danielle. Then he did it again immediately after almost as you would if you had just recognised someone. Then he did it a third time like she had a fucking elephant on her head or something. Naturally enough Danielle and I had a bit of a laugh at this strange encounter. It might be relevant to add that I'm pretty certain he was smoking weed. But then a while later we had moved so that we were standing next to the guy who I might mention was singing incorrect lyrics also. Anyway he was with his girlfriend and they looked pretty cosy with his arm wrapped around her shoulder. Then suddenly Danielle stared at me and I looked at her to see what was up. She looked shocked and I was really surprised to see an arm around her shoulder. She told me later that she had thought it was my arm around her at first. The weed-smoking, lyric-failing guy had his right arm wrapped around his girlfriend and his left draped over Danielle's shoulder. It was the strangest, thing to see and Danielle just looked to perplexed and unsure what to do that I asked her if I should move his arm. So I sort of knocked this guy's arm off her shoulder and we went back to enjoying the music.

First time to be mistaken for a babysitter
We were trying to make our way out of the main crowd area after the third supporting act. My previously mentioned friend Danielle is a small Filipina. As we were trying to push through the hoards of squashed bodies and defiant concert goers she heard someone say something like "Let them through there's a child!" Which of course we found very amusing afterwards.

First time to have literally no idea what is happening
When Danielle and I went out to the edge of the crowd this cute couple came up to us suddenly and started asking us frantic questions so quickly with such a strong accent that neither of us had a clue what was happening. They sounded so anxious like the answers to the questions were the most important things in the universe and they needed them right now. All I could make out was that they were asking us something about Alex Turner (Arctic Monkeys' front man, notorious asshat). Danielle actually thought they were talking a different language they were so incomprehensible. So the two of us just stared blankly at them completely lost for words. And then the couple began to look really worried and also confused and scared. It just made for a really strange, confusing encounter. But once they slowed down and actually started talking sense they turned out the be the sweetest. I've completely forgotten their names now but when they introduced themselves the boy said "I'm __ and this is my girlfriend __ she's fucking perfect" in the most nonchalant, casual way possible. They were completely adorable and just a bit drunk.

First time to not have a pen when I needed it
Let me tell you something about myself. I always bring a pen with me. Wherever I go. Even if I don't bring paper I bring a pen. Yesterday morning I had to minimise the space I took up in my bag so that I could fit my jacket in it if it got really hot. I decided there was probably no reason I might need a pen at a concert and so I left it out. As it happens I never put my jacket in my bag. On the bus ride home I couldn't help eavesdropping on a conversation in the seat behind me relating to Breaking Bad one of my all-time favourite TV shows. Then one of the boys leaned forward and asked if I had a pen so he could draw on his friend's face. Yep. The perfect conversation opener into a conversation I really wanted to join and nope. Nope. No pen. Jesus, I will never leave a pen out again.

First time to crush on a nameless faceless man
Let's just say that guy who asked me for a pen? By the end of that bus journey I had maybe a small crush on him. He just sounded really interesting okay! I think we'd get on well.
I never even saw his face though because the bus was so dark. So I don't know his name or what he looks like but I know the sound of his voice and I know we're totally soul-mates. Things will work themselves out.

First cigarette burn
Pretty self explanatory. A man next to me was smoking and carelessly waving around his cigarette which was held against my arm for a second before I realised what I was feeling. Yeah, I was feeling a red hot ember pressed against my skin.

First time to have someone spill a drink on me
Not long after the cigarette incident one of the women that was there with the man spilled some sort of weird drink that smelt like herbal tea down my leg. I'm basically living every Hollywood High School party where the unpopular girl gets a drink accidentally spilled on her by the jealous popular girl. #lifecomplete

It's for charity...I swear

I'm not sure why it's socially looked down upon to buy from charity shops. Personally, I think it's the best thing since sliced bread (this coming from a girl who couldn't cut a straight slice if her life depended on it). 

Think about it, you're giving to a worthy cause and you're getting something in return for your 'generosity.'

You get the bonus of interesting, cheap and unique products as well as the right to call yourself a philanthropist. Yes, I do call myself a philanthropist, deal with it. It's something to put on your CV at least. "I give a substantial amount to charity every month." Got the job in the bag, oh yeah.

Almost every book I but from a charity shop is one that I've never heard of before and simply think looks interesting. I'd rarely buy a book that I knew nothing about from a regular book shop because they're slightly pricey, especially when you buy as many books as I do. Charity shops allow me to try different books for half the price and as a result I've discovered many new and fantastic authors through them.

Some people of course like the idea of getting a brand new book and having every crease and stain made by their own hands. I however, like the idea of sharing the experience of reading a book with any number of strangers I've never met. Through every imperfection the book holds I feel their own memories as they traveled the same adventure I am now on. I feel this weird connection to the previous owner and it makes the book even more special to me knowing it has passed through numerous hands before mine.

Stuff and a Lack of Stuff

Hello readers.
It's Saturday, I'm still kind of sick, I have done no homework, I have school on Monday, I'm now a writer on a video game, I got a bloglovin', it's Saturday. Just another regular day in the life of Kate.

Firstly I'm becoming anxious because I'm behind on school work as I have been sick and have done nothing all week.
Secondly I'm getting anxious because I'm now a writer on a fucking video game??? How did this happen, I hear you ask. You promised us you were as big a screw up as the rest of us, Kate, how did you get a job, what a sell-out!
Long story short a friend of mine told me about a game project he was working on and then mentioned that they needed a scriptwriter. I talked to the group leader and now I'm a scriptwriter wow, how the fuck - that was really fast - help! You can probably tell I'm a bit worried because I have practically no experience with scriptwriting or even gaming really so I'm fucking terrified. But it's going to be okay and I'm going to try my best and I'm not going to freak out. Yet.

If you have a BlogLovin' account you can follow me there. I've jumped on the band wagon and gotten a bloglovin' account because I want to read more blogs and I think this is a really great method of keeping track of them.

I feel like I don't really have anything to say in this post. I want to start writing blog posts that are interesting or helpful to people, I just don't really have an area of expertise. I'm failing at being a teenager, failing at being an adult and up until now I seem to have failed at being a writer. Not that I've 'made it' now or anything. We'll see.

A Year in Review: 2013

Let's see how bad I will feel about myself when I've finished this post, eh?

Last year I made 10 resolutions. It was the first time I'd made a serious commitment to reforming myself so I was a bit optimistic, as I always seem to be. Let me list my failures for you.

1. Tidy my room: Yeah my room is still messy like most of the time. I think I really need to throw out a lot of stuff this year and live a minimalistic life.
2. Write every day: So this went relatively well until I decided I wasn't gaining anything from writing and I wasn't producing anything I was happy with. So I stopped bothering about half way through the year. As have mentioned in a previous post I regret doing this.
3. Write a novel: Ha. Haha. HAHAHAHAHAAHHAAAAHAHAHAHHHHAHAAHUHUHUHUH.
4. Read 50 books: Um. This one I tried really hard at. Until I lost track completely. I wasn't keeping to my deadlines though anyway so I don't think I would have succeeded. I read excruciatingly slowly.
5. Learn the piano and ukulele: Oh god. I did play the piano a lot more this year, not to say that I've improved very much. I can play a sizeable amount of Hans Zimmer's Time, the BBC Sherlock theme tune, silent night, the right hand of jingle bells and Fur Elise though. So I didn't completely fail that one. The uke though. I haven't touched it.
6. Organise my blog: I never quite figured out what I wanted to do with my blog but that's okay. I made this new blog over the summer and I blogged for a whole month in August every day. I think I actually passed this one!
7. Be nicer: I think I have definitely made a conscious effort to be more friendly to people this year. Like not a big effort because you know as a rule I don't try my best. But I really hope I can continue to make a small effort to talk to people and be nice.
8. Motivate myself: It always seems to come at this time of the year when I feel most motivated. I realise that I really ought to be trying hard to get somewhere in life. The problem is I become dispirited so quickly. I get lazy and I lose my motivation, my will to try. Wise words simply can muster the strength within me to work and I don't know what I can do to change that.
9. Exercise: I certainly exercised more this year than I have in so long but not every day as I planned. The first half of the year I had activities twice a week at least in school so that helped keep me trying but this year I do choir instead and we don't even have PE class. However my dad very recently bought an exercise bike so hopefully that will make exercising more convenient for me and I plan to set up a regular exercise schedule.
10. Make friends: So I went to Irish college during the summer and met loads of great people. I still in contact with quite a few of them. I've spread my friendship in school too and talked to people I never thought I could get along with. As a result I feel more a part of my year which is really nice. I also broadened my internet friendships this year which is great too. I've stayed touch with people I've met through tumblr and nerdfighteria and it's nice in a weird way to kind of vent to people who know very little about you but understand what you're going through. So success.

In summary, I sorted out my blog which resulted in me becoming a nicer person and making friends.

Hey Again.

It's Christmas Day and I'm trying to finish writing this as I started it a few days ago.
I sometimes wonder what I'd be like if I was pretty. If I exercised a lot and lost weight and my legs toned out and my skin cleared up I wonder how I would feel about myself. I'm not confident in my appearance but also I'm not very insecure about it. I mean I don't expect that anyone finds me attractive or ever will the way I currently look but I'm okay with how I look. I'd rate my appearance a 6/10 and my insecurity over my appearance, maybe 4/10. I'd like to be prettier obviously but I'm not quite sure why anymore.

You see, most of my insecurities lie in things beneath my physical appearance. They lie in things like how worthy I am of people's friendships, how the fuck I'm capable of surviving in this world and how I seem completely incapable of trying my best at anything. I know that if I were able to eliminate or even improve on these flaw I'd feel so much better about myself and more confident in my existence. But I don't know whether anything would change at all if I were beautiful on the outside.

Next year. 2014. I want something to change. I want to understand myself and fucking take control of my life. Merry Christmas everyone and I hope you have a successful 2014.

Life Happens

Life is great. I'm on top of my school work, my Christmas exams are over, my mother's trying to control my life but that's just a phase she goes through - it'll pass. My social anxiety (for lack of a better term) is better than it has ever been, which isn't much by normal standards but it's the most freeing thing I've ever experienced.

So why am I so sad? I haven't got any specific reason for feeling this way and it makes me think that I don't have the right to feel unhappy right now. Like my minor worries aren't important enough in the grand scale of the world. I know you oughtn't to judge yourself compared to others and that every problem is uniquely dealt with but preaching and practising are so very far from each other.

I always have the feeling that I'm not doing anything worthwhile with my life. It's a boredom and a fear and it's a terrible, terrible flaw.
At the beginning of this year one of my resolutions was to write every day and though I was doing quite well keeping to this I decided about half way through the year that I didn't want to be writing anymore. I regret this decision for many reasons not only because writing allows me to examine my thoughts and understand myself better but also because I have recently rediscovered my love of writing. And I mean writing as a noun not a verb. I love the flow of word to word across a page, the scrawl of a familiar handwriting, I love simple wordplay that creates such beautiful humour. I just love writing, man. It's the most awe inspiring art that will ever pass through my mind. I miss it too and though I wish I was actually good at it I still enjoy scribbling rubbish onto a sheet.

I don't have a point to this post except to update my blog because it has been far too long. Hopefully that won't happen again.

OMG MORE SCHOOL

I know I'm probably boring all my non-existent readers to death by not writing for a month and then just talking about school again but fact is I have nothing else going on in my life. La vida de los jóvenes puede ser muy triste.

I ought to be studying or writing my history essay or some such boring activity right now but as the old saying goes, why do today what you can put off until tomorrow. That's what they say, isn't it?

I look at other people in my school and I know that they are working today as they plan to next year again, they're keeping on top of their work and getting the highest grades they can achieve. And I know they're doing this so they won't fall behind next year and have to stress out before the Leaving Cert exams. They're doing it so they'll get good grades and get into the college of their choice.

I can see all of this from an outsider's point of view. Like I'm not the one in the exact same position. It hasn't yet hit me that I'm doing my leaving cert next year. My last year of school is next year. I'll have to start applying to colleges next year. Thinking about what course I want to do, NEXT YEAR. It feels like yesterday when I was a little twelve year old starting secondary school. Yesterday when went to Germany on my second year school trip. Yesterday when I did my Junior cert examinations. Yesterday when I went to Rome with my friends.

We enter this world and are told we can be anyone, do anything we want. We are given encouragement that is just lies as the people around us know that eventually we will realise that technically we can do whatever we love but most of us will choose that which pays well. Even now, less than half a year from becoming seventeen, people still chuck at me the shit they so desperately want to believe themselves. And by people yes, of course I mean adults. Teachers, parents, hopeful young adults, they all want to believe that they are getting somewhere with their lives. They are encouraging young students to get the best out of life and follow their dreams. They are raising inspirational teenagers who will change the world. They are saying things and doing things as much to convince themselves as to convince us.

I know there are people who make a solid living out of what they love. I know there are people who love their lives and want for nothing. I know there are people who are truly making a difference in this world.
I know it's not as hopeless a place as I've made out but there just don't seem to be enough happy people out there.

Is it really so difficult to find the thing you love doing and do it?

Life in Letters - Tag

Alex Richard George Day - made a video a week ago called life in letters, this post is clearly a response to it. Anyway Alex has been a major influence on how I view the world and the values I have today.

Bitch - "But not the traditional kind, the strong independent woman kind." Quote from my friend Danielle about me. I've always loved the sound of the word bitch. I think it's just got such a badass sound to it and I'm proud to use it to describe myself.

Calm - I like to think that I'm a pretty chill person and that I don't stress out over things too much. It's really important not let the little things in life work you up because that sort of pressure will drive a person insane.

Dreamer - I spend way too much time imagining the things I one day plan to do rather than doing them today. But I don't have the freedom to do the things I want right now.

Expressive - apparently I have a very expressive face. I've been told by too many people that I make really strange expressions and contortions of my face, often without intention. It seems my eyes and eyebrows are the biggest betrayers and the most active parts of my face.

Feminism - This has been a huge part of my life for so long now and not a day goes past when something doesn't happen to remind how unequal the world is. I know feminism has gotten a bad name from some people *cough*extreme feminists*cough*. The majority of feminists are not extremists though and simply believe and try to help create a more equal world.

Green Day - Also chosen by Alex Day but I couldn't think of a more fitting word beginning with G. Green Day are my favourite band of all time, in fact I wrote a blog post declaring them my favourite of all things which can be read here. I love their sound so much more than any band I've ever heard and their lyrics evoke as much thought in me as my history books ever have.

Hungry - I have a pretty massive appetite and since starting back to school this week it's gotten even bigger. I go to sleep hungry, I wake up hungry, I just can't seem to get enough food into me. I'm not that keen on the actual eating though. I eat pretty quickly because it feels like I'm wasting my time while I could be doing other things.

Introverted - I've always preferred my own company to other's. It's hard for me to talk to people I don't know well and even when I do know them I often don't feel like talking at all. I find this does make life very difficult especially when I'm in a situation where I don't know any of the people, which seems like that's all the situations I was in this past year. It's like I have a mental block when it comes to talking to people.

Jewellery - is a thing that I like to make, though I don't have a lot of time to do it. I like making original and interesting kinds of accessories because it's hard to find jewellery that I like at an affordable price.

Kay 'Kate' Anne Muldowney - is my name but I'm mostly called Kate because my parents are annoying like that and have called me everything other than Kay my entire life. So I'm Kate, nice to meet you.

Lace - Because it is my favourite material and I dream of one day having a long sleeved, ankle length, plain, lace dress that I would just wear on casual occasions, like to the supermarket. Preferably it would be white but black would be good too.

Messy - I have an inability to keep any area tidy. I clean my room up completely and three days later it's a mess again.

Night - I'm definitely a hight owl. I hate getting up in the morning but I do however feel more motivated the earlier in the day it is.

Oslo - is a city I really want to visit soon.

Potter - Harry Potter was a huge influence on my young life and I can't imagine who I would be today without those books. They gave me a place where I felt I fitted in and where I could be magic and special when I didn't believe that I was. They gave me a reason to have hope and to keep going. I honestly don't know if I would have survived some of those years if it were not for the adventures I went on with the trio.

Quiet - People always say that I'm quiet and it's true, I know but not by choice. If I could choose my lifestyle I'd be a social butterfly, always going somewhere and doing something. As it is I can't feel comfortable with any person until I've known them quite a while. Shy is the worst thing though. I hate when people call me shy because I'm not. I have no aversion to talking to strangers it's just that when I'm expected to have a conversation with one that I lose all control over my thoughts.

Respect - I try to treat everyone I meet with respect in the beginning because any relationship needs to have a good start. It pisses me off when teachers/parents etc. expect you to respect them regardless of the way they treat you. I'll treat you with respect until you are proven unworthy, at which point I'll disrespect you until you prove yourself worthy.

Sherlock - Alex may believe that you can tell how much a part of a fandom someone is by how much they give out about the thing but I think Sherlock is perfect and I wouldn't change anything about it. Yes it leaves me at the edge of my seat, yes it makes my heart race and simultaneously rips it to shreds but that's what a good story does. That's how it should be. The acting is on key, the writing is witty and so clever, the plots are intelligent and incredibly thought out. It may be almost completely different from the novels but I honestly don't mind that, much as I love Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's books.

Tumblr - is a site that I was addicted to, like many people, but I don't feel the need to check in on it any more. At the beginning of the summer I went to Irish college for three weeks where we weren't allowed mobiles, internet or ipods and we spoke Irish the entire time. When I came back I never got back into the habit of checking Tumblr and I slowly stopped caring about it. Occasionally I do log in still to see if there is anything interesting but mainly it's just the same mindless babble that you find on every social network. I really need to change the circle of people that I'm following.

Unoriginal - as you can tell from me doing a tag on the last day of BEDA. I steal other peoples jokes, I take story ideas from everywhere and combine them. I know that people say no idea can be fully original but many of them are more original than mine.

Virginity - is a thing that I have found.

Writing - is something that I love doing. It helps me to gather my thoughts and understand what they actually mean. It's also a really relaxing past-time. I love the idea of making up characters, worlds, stories, it feels like the greatest thing we have in this world - the ability to imagine other worlds that we have never experienced other than in our mind.

X - is for kisses because I love you, dearest reader.

Year - 1997 was the year I was born making me seventeen next February second.

Z - is for zip. Two reasons, one because I'm tired and can't think of anything else. Two because how the fuck did 'whoever' invent that thing? Ugh it is such a cool gadget, like, have you ever thought about the way it works and everything? Basically, I like zips a lot.

Tag - I tag Danielle because now that her BALA is over she will need motivation to blog again.

(BEDA may be finished but I'll still be blogging weekly, I promise xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx)

- Kate

Shit, I'm an adult

It's really odd to me that in such a short time, almost completely unperceived, one's life-plan can change so dramatically.

I used to hate the conventional way of living - nine to five job, house, car, family, kids (I still hate the latter two) - because of what it meant to me. It meant a monotonous life full of financial worries, a dead-end marraige, bawling babies and tenacious teens. It meant sacrificing my life to other people, looking after a family until I'm old and withered. It meant never achieving anything for myself because I'm busy working a job so as to make sure my kids in the future could get a job like mine and continue the tedious cycle of life. It meant never having adventures and never having exciting stories to tell. And frankly it sounds down-right boring.

I want to see the world, have a hundred different jobs in foreign lands, make friends, maybe fall in love, all the while moving, never staying in one place too long. (Because staying the same means getting comfortable and comfort means BORING.) I want to go hitch-hiking and stay shitty hostels, I want to go on spontaneous road-trips with my friends and decide to go to France at a moments notice. I want to do charity work and write a novel, make a short film and act on stage. I want to climb a mountain, jump out of an airplane and swim with sharks. I want freedom and I want excitement.

But now I'm sixteen years old and I begin my first day in fifth year tomorrow. That means I start studying for my Leaving Certificate examinations and that means work and lots of it. The Leaving is the most important exam that most students in Ireland will ever do. The points you get dictate what courses you are able to do in college and what college you can get into.
I don't know what I want to do after school. I know I want to go to college and get a degree but after that it's a mystery.

But over the last few months I've vaguely noticed a change in how I'm thinking about my future. I've started thinking - and how I dread to say it - ...practically. I've started thinking about...money. And like my financial prospects and how I need to get a job and...ugh.
I feel like I've finally done it. I've finally figured out how you know when you've grown up. When you stop looking at the world as you're oyster and start looking at the possible income you'd get from selling the pearl. Some people will tell you thinking practically is a good thing, it's sensible, but these are most likely business people and I don't want to think like a business person, always looking for an opportunity to make money. I'm a Gryffindor in everything I believe and I don't value thinking practically. In other people sure, it's always good to have a practical thinking side-kick, every good hero needs that, but I would rather see myself as spontaneous - foolish if you wish - than cautious.

More recently though, I find myself thinking about what is the most practical thing for me to study in college, in order to get a good job. Where the fuck did that idea come from? I never wanted a job before, I never cared about financial issues but that's not to say that I spend my money carelessly. I don't believe in living materialistically because in the end everything is just stuff. And I really don't need all this stuff, as pretty as they might look.

I want to remind myself what it was that I hated about practical thinking, remind myself never to grow up. Never to get obsessed with money issues and petty family life. I want to remember the freedom that I always associated adulthood with when I was younger and not waste that privilege on boring things when the prospects are so excitingly endless. I want to enjoy life as fully as I possibly can, without burdening myself with stress and worries.

Kate, don't ever be anything but free.

You know what? Fuck the themes

I'm in a bad mood and I don't want to talk about beautiful summer ideals (today's theme: perfect summer) so instead I'll let my incoherent thoughts roll out.

I've been thinking a lot about morality recently and what good and bad really means. Because what one person believes is right another person believes the opposite. But that doesn't mean one of them is wrong. Good and bad are subjective terms. A woman believes that it's okay to steal what she needs because she doesn't want to get a job. A wealthy man looks down his nose at the woman because he believes it wrong that she doesn't live an honest life. But who decides what is right? Is one of these people wrong? I feel like it's situations like this where it's simply easier to imagine that there is a God out there who has decided which is right.

I've come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a right and a wrong, a good and a bad. I realise I've taken it a step further than simply saying 'nothing is black and white' and maybe I've taken it too far, I'm still composing my opinions.
But is it unreasonable to conclude that if morality is subjective and depends only on a specific person's beliefs, it is therefore an irrelevant point. It's simply your word against mine. I say it's right, you say it's wrong. God stays silent.

Since producing these thoughts I was reading A Casual Vacancy in which there is a character who thinks and acts rather in this manner, which only helped to reinforce those thoughts. People follow the rules of society, they repeat the morals fed into them and appear to act according to them. Killing, stealing, lying etc. - wrong. Similar to the ten commandments. But inside there are so many people who don't believe any of it.

To succeed in this spite-filled, joy-sucking black hole of a world one needs to be completely focused on their goal. Which means being focused on ones-self. In my experience as one increases their self focus they slowly become obsessed and obsession then leads to a lack of conscience. But my point, that I'm taking forever to get to, is that maybe that's not a bad thing. Maybe we don't need a conscience. Maybe it's better to be focused on self success. but of course I can see how corrupt the world would quickly become if everyone acted in this way. I don't know I just kind of wanted to let out my thoughts. And I'm in a better mood now.

I just hope I'm not starting to sound like a serial killer.