It's really odd to me that in such a short time, almost completely unperceived, one's life-plan can change so dramatically.
I used to hate the conventional way of living - nine to five job, house, car, family, kids (I still hate the latter two) - because of what it meant to me. It meant a monotonous life full of financial worries, a dead-end marraige, bawling babies and tenacious teens. It meant sacrificing my life to other people, looking after a family until I'm old and withered. It meant never achieving anything for myself because I'm busy working a job so as to make sure my kids in the future could get a job like mine and continue the tedious cycle of life. It meant never having adventures and never having exciting stories to tell. And frankly it sounds down-right boring.
I want to see the world, have a hundred different jobs in foreign lands, make friends, maybe fall in love, all the while moving, never staying in one place too long. (Because staying the same means getting comfortable and comfort means BORING.) I want to go hitch-hiking and stay shitty hostels, I want to go on spontaneous road-trips with my friends and decide to go to France at a moments notice. I want to do charity work and write a novel, make a short film and act on stage. I want to climb a mountain, jump out of an airplane and swim with sharks. I want freedom and I want excitement.
But now I'm sixteen years old and I begin my first day in fifth year tomorrow. That means I start studying for my Leaving Certificate examinations and that means work and lots of it. The Leaving is the most important exam that most students in Ireland will ever do. The points you get dictate what courses you are able to do in college and what college you can get into.
I don't know what I want to do after school. I know I want to go to college and get a degree but after that it's a mystery.
But over the last few months I've vaguely noticed a change in how I'm thinking about my future. I've started thinking - and how I dread to say it - ...practically. I've started thinking about...money. And like my financial prospects and how I need to get a job and...ugh.
I feel like I've finally done it. I've finally figured out how you know when you've grown up. When you stop looking at the world as you're oyster and start looking at the possible income you'd get from selling the pearl. Some people will tell you thinking practically is a good thing, it's sensible, but these are most likely business people and I don't want to think like a business person, always looking for an opportunity to make money. I'm a Gryffindor in everything I believe and I don't value thinking practically. In other people sure, it's always good to have a practical thinking side-kick, every good hero needs that, but I would rather see myself as spontaneous - foolish if you wish - than cautious.
More recently though, I find myself thinking about what is the most practical thing for me to study in college, in order to get a good job. Where the fuck did that idea come from? I never wanted a job before, I never cared about financial issues but that's not to say that I spend my money carelessly. I don't believe in living materialistically because in the end everything is just stuff. And I really don't need all this stuff, as pretty as they might look.
I want to remind myself what it was that I hated about practical thinking, remind myself never to grow up. Never to get obsessed with money issues and petty family life. I want to remember the freedom that I always associated adulthood with when I was younger and not waste that privilege on boring things when the prospects are so excitingly endless. I want to enjoy life as fully as I possibly can, without burdening myself with stress and worries.
Kate, don't ever be anything but free.
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